Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Olympics III

Only because I need to close this topic down, something the mainstream press seem unable to do.

So the sport was ok, I don't usually watch sport so I have no frame of reference, going by the noises being made by commentators (excluding Claire Balding who decided to call it as she saw it) you could tell how well or shit things were going. You know you're truly not interested in a country's sporting success when your willing them to lose quite badly just so you can see the look on the commentator's face.

The medal situation was good, I'm told. Team GB won a great many medals, this must have been the first Olympic games where medals were split down English, Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish lines, medals were even being turned into fractions for political purposes. Its hard to give a shit about that when you don't give a shit about how the medal was gained in the first place.

The closing ceremony, well, I didn't see it all but what I did see was ok I suppose. If you're going to put George Michael on stage at such a prestigious event he absolutely has to sing his number one hit 'Outside'. Why? because its about coming out and being a bit dirty with other men. Lyrics include:

"And yes I've been bad
Doctor won't you do with me what you can
You see i think about it all the time
I'd service the community
(but i already have you see!)
I never really said it before"

I don't think the services to which George refers are anything like those to which Seb Coe would, although he is a Tory so you never know. Other lyrics include:

"I think I'm done with the sofa
I think I'm done with the hall
I think I'm done with the kitchen table, baby"


"When the moon is high
And the grass is jumpin'
Come on, just keep on funkin'
Keep on funkin', just keep on funkin'"

I think this could have been a valuable message for the Olympic crowd, when you're servicing the community on the sofa, in the hall and on the kitchen table, its important to keep on funkin' baby but mind and get to the GUM clinic to get checked out for STD's when you're done.

Eric Idle came out, so to speak. He was quite funny, bonus points for swearing during Always Look on the Bright Side, it is my sincerest hope they told him not to and he ignored them. The Spice Girls also reared their heads, I don't really know what to say about the Spice Girls, I don't know what they're for or what they did, their music was a bit shit and I never got what ever their message was. Isn't it ironic that they took five neutral women who may have had something to say and turned them into daft vapid clotheshorses then told them to promote (sorry, cash in on) Girl Power? Because as we all know, if you want to be taken seriously, all you have to do is wear glittery spandex, sing poorly (with the exception of Mel C who's ok) and put your make up on with a ping pong bat. I can say with feeling, it hasn't worked for me.

I recognised Annie Lennox and I did recognise some of the songs but not the people singing them. Some wrappers, sorry, rappers were also on in posh cars, some fragrant young lady sang with, oh someone I didn't know. It occurs to me, you could assault me viciously with Taio Cruze, Jessie J and Emile Sande and I wouldn't know the difference, if on the other hand you were to assault me with entrants from the men's ten metre dive, I reckon I could probably nail- I mean name each one... Not that I watched it of course, I mean to say, I'm thoroughly against all this stuff.

And so it drew to a close, the Olympic flame was snuffed out but the land is still suffused with sporting fervour, so much so that the UK government recently transferred over 2000 English schools to private ownership under their Academies Scheme, this included all buildings, sports and playing fields. It also takes those sports and playing fields out from under the protection of the School Playing Fields Advisory Panel. Of course, it goes with out saying Westminster would never sanction the sale of playing fields, especially since those private companies are ran by their own colleagues... Did you not know?

Two of the biggest players in this game are the Harris Federation, named after owner Phil Harris who is a Tory peer, and a set up called ARK Academies, on who's board sits Paul Marshall, prominent author of the Lib Dem's Orange Book (no, I don't know what its about, I'm sure its a pithy tome, ha ha, ummm.) and current Tory party treasurer Stanley Fink who also donated £2.6 million to the conservatives. I mean come on now, that's just taking the piss, fortunately education is devolved so Scottish schools are protected, for now. (You know what I'm hinting at here, oh yes you do. Something you need to do in 2014?)

I always run on with these and I hate to bore my reader, so I'll finish by borrowing back part of a comment I made on this blog.

"I’m just glad its over, not wishing to provide any one with horrid mental imagery, but for the past 17 days (feels like months) what we’ve seen is the British state (call it what you will) basically having sex with itself, for the next few weeks it will sit smoking a fag telling itself how wonderful it was until eventually, it’ll have to start replying to those emails its been getting for cheap Viagra and penis enlargements because, contrary to its own hype; even sex with itself was a bit crap."

Quoting myself probably makes me out to be a right wanker, I don't really care though because its quite true, I can't seem to leave myself alone.

Especially during the men's 10 metre platfo-

Thursday, 2 August 2012

The Olympics II

So, we've had the opening ceremony and the running, diving and jumping has started.

I will try to say something about the opening but to be honest, it was all a bit of a blur, I did watch it and I thought it was actually ok- if you were English and knew nothing about history. It was a polished, tidyed up version of 'British' history. It was also a strange amalgamation of things, the bit about the industrial revolution with men in big black hats could sort of be associated with parts of the UK other than England, at a stretch... Maybe?

The bit about the NHS was really quite funny, I assume it came from the mind of Danny Boyle, so one also assumes he's blessed with great health because he's obviously never been in a hospital before. Perhaps the English NHS is like that, (the NHS in Scotland is entirely seperate,) although something tells me it probably isn't.

As for the rest, well, I don't really remember it, there was too much going on. Big puppet things, people flying through the air, other folk dancing from the eighties (why would you bring that back up?) Also, I will admit, I got bored, so bored in fact, I decided to do my Mum's shopping online.

We need to talk about something though, its a gnarly topic that I always try to avoid because other people put the various arguments over in far more eloquent ways. Was it political and what about nationality? To the former, yes it was, you can't celebrate the history of a country with out there being a political message, even if only incidentally. As to the latter, nationality? Definitely, for the same reasons, probably even more so. As an advert for Great Britian it was a masterclass in marketing flimflam, it was a version of Britain scrubbed clean by nostalgia, so much so it made me want to vomit. The only positive was, I didn't want to vomit as much as I thought I might.

Sticking my head even further above the parapet, if a supporter of Scottish independence utters words in support of the cause, he or she can expect a figurative kicking from unionists for having nationalist views, the idea being; nationalism is definitely a 'bad thing'. We've had the Jubilee, now we're having the olympics. What if anything is, has been or could possibly be a bigger display of nationalism? It seems British Nationalism is ok, any other kind however; is for dicks.

I'm now going to dance along the parapet with the following words. British Nationalism and the British State is a huge black slug squatting over all the component countries of the UK, its organs are staffed by people (from all the component countries) with a vested interest in the continuation of the British State, its become a self-perpetuating factory interested only in manufacturing its own continuation; at any cost, usually yours. I'm not just supporting Scottish Independence, I'm supporting English, Welsh and Irish independence.

Have these olympics been hijacked by politics? Does a fat dog fart? Of course they have, Danny Boyle only reflected in the opening ceremony what is pedalled out by the BBC, Westminster and the main stream press, its not even his fault. While doing my Mother's shopping, I was hard pushed not to purchase anything with a Union Jack on it (something which I assiduously try to do.) That odious little man Michael Forsyth (who's rejection by the Scottish electorate was as unceromonious as it was enthusiastic) tries to tell us that Scottish nationalism is of the BNP/bigoted/negative variety while British nationalism is all about patriotism, which is positive. As you would expect from the tory peer, as an argument, its arse gravy of the purest sort.

All that to one side, I think its probably important to seperate the sport from the surrounding fluff. I also think its important to tell BBC correspondents not to visibly orgasm when TeamGB wins a medal, seriously, its good but its not that good. I think its also important to give credit where its due, the facilities do look great, from what I've seen in passing on the telly, which you'd expect given the costs involved.

The sport seems all to be happening in an orderly fashion (Asian badminton players not-with-standing) and no one (that we know of) has been 'disappeared' for drinking Pepsi or attempting to smuggle in a KFC Zingerburger meal (apparently that's a trademarked word, I've have no idea how you do the TM thing, I only barely managed the link in the 5th paragraph,) one can only hope KFC aren't as aggressive as Coca Cola with infringements. (For what it's worth, I quite like a KFC; I'm on your side here ok?)

So we have the closing ceremony to come, I wonder what Seb will do once its all finished, perhaps he'll return to his Borg Regeneration Pod for a well earned sleep, or whatever it is the Borg do when they're not assimilating Londoners. I didn't see the Beijing Olympics closing ceremony, so have no idea what form the ending takes. I hope its not as confusing (or as long) as the opening ceremony though. If I was in charge, I'd just have the Queen put the lights off in the stadium and be done with it with one gloved flick of a switch.

As for the Commonwealth games in Glasgow, I think who ever does Irn Bru's marketing should get the opening gig, I think they'd do a decent job. Nothing too flamboyant mind, just the bare essentials, I'm even happy for Betty to do her opening act too, albeit with some minor changes. A shell-suited, electronically tagged chav will be escorted to Her Majesty's room in Holyrood, while the footman's head is turned the spotty youth will cram anything of value into his pockets, including a Corgi, eventually the Queen will say, "Good evening." to which the chav will reply, "woteva!" Liz will then be transported to the opening ceremony on the back of a stolen moped being chased/escorted by a phalanx of police vehicles along the M8.

The Queen will open proceedings with the following words: "I declare open these the 20th Commonwealth Games of Glasgow... And nae cheatin' ya bunch o' fuckin' fannies."

I sincerely hope we don't fuck it up, so far, at least the Commonwealth logo doesn't look like two cartoon characters indulging in a bit of fellatio, which is a good start. Also, if we get Tunnock's to sponsor the catering I doubt they've got the same resources as Coca Cola or McDonalds, I suspect if you fancied a bit of Burton's shortbread instead of a teacake, you won't be shot on the spot.

I need to go, there's someone at the door, it looks like they're wearing a KFC t-shirt...

Oh dear.