I am not a fashionable person, I'm not that interested in fads or fashions or being up to date. I take the view any attempt to improve myself in an external way would be like putting a hat on a veruca; what would be the point. Product in my hair? No. Fashion labels around my ample hips? Certainly not. The latest phone pressed against my sweaty ear? No.
We all have our kryptonite and mine is iStuff. Phones, pads, laptops or computers. I'm sure they're really good, better even than the many alternatives but here is the deciding factor, they make you look like a twat. If you're holding an ipad and are not a doctor or a crew member on the Starship Enterprise; you look like a twat. In fact, all this chat about 'apps', the ipad and iphones are apps in and of themselves, their soul purpose is to make the person holding it look like a twat, can we call it a twapp? I think so.
Here's the thing, I know people who own these things, two friends have just been taken in, erm, I mean, have bought ipads, these are good people, I like them a lot but now I'm totally conflicted because I imagine them standing on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise in those form fitting Starfleet uniforms, those figure hugging trousers... Ummm, I meant with their new purchases looking like twats when I know they are absolutely not twats.
I think Apple have turned a corner, two years ago if you owned an Apple product it was safe for people who didn't to think you were a twat; no question/no compromise. Now though with the huge proliferation of products we can't really say it any more because it's our friends and family who are buying these products, don't get carried away mind, they're still ultimately worthless trinkets, mere toys without which you would survive; but they are now so popular and by dint of sheer numbers, have to be accepted by miserable non-materialist luddites like myself or, I have to dislike people I really like a lot.
With that in mind, I've had to rethink my views on ithings, I think many others have also had to evolve. On the first day we thought Apple products were crap, on the second day we thought people who bought Apple products were a bit arty-farty. On the third day behold the letter 'i' was placed before all products to come. On the fourth day the iphone appeared - if you had one you looked like a twat. On the fifth day the ipad appeared - see the fourth day. On the sixth day if you had an ipad, we jokingly say you look like a twat but still love you really. On the seventh day, unlike God we didn't rest - if you had an iphone we still thought it made you look like a twat because they probably always will.
To my friends who now own ipads, I forgive you, I still like you. I may not want to facetime you but I still care about you. To my friends who own an iphone, yes you... Hello? Can you pay attention? You're texting someone, an app you say? But I'm actually here now standing beside you... No, don't drift off...
Oh fuck off then.