The Olympics.

I've been dreading this, I did the monarchy (figuratively, not literally) and now the Olympics are upon us, like a sexually transmitted disease and almost impossible to avoid. The build up has lasted months with the torch doing the rounds, thousands of gurning clueless school kids bussed in to clap and cheer in a slightly vacant way as a stranger runs past with an upturned spliff. Tonight before the athletes can get down to the comparatively dull business of running, jumping, skipping, swimming and throwing/balancing stuff on or around themselves, the build up climaxes in an opening ceremony that will show Seb Coe and Jeremy Hunt etc ejaculate quietly but enthusiastically in their pants as the Olympic flame is lit.

Today on the news, broadcasters and members of the public who can charitably be described as total fucking weirdos have been excited to the point of spontaneous televisual combustion, where do they find these people? Is there a database of prime time TV audiences that can be tapped into when an enthusiastic-but-dim crowd are needed? This morning they rang bells for three minutes at 08:12hrs, there was a man so keen to participate, in the absence of a bell, he jangled his house keys. Meanwhile a familiar looking boat was being rowed down the Thames (again) bearing the Olympic flame... I... It... Oh, I can't be bothered...

The Jubilee thing was easy to be cynical about, the entire premise was ropey, the Olympics on the other hand should be a celebration of sporting prowess and excellence, we shouldn't be cynical about it and I was hoping it would require a conscious effort to be so. But, in swept Locog to sell every single thing they could in order to raise money to spend on what has turned out to be, essentially, and there is no easy way to say this so I'll just say it: the British Establishment giving it's ego a vigorous wank in front of the international community... In front of the entire world, with its cock in one hand and a big mac in the other, Great Britain is finally great again, sort of.

But great at what exactly? we've had the stories about G4S and its short comings, ZIL lanes, (Zil for our younger viewers were a type of limousine favoured by very high ranking communists in the old USSR, they had lanes running down the centre of Moscow's various boulevards in which only they could travel.) Bus loads of athletes being lost for hours in London (having been lost myself in London for what seemed like days, I can relate) and the construction staff not being allowed chips if they weren't having fish in the Olympic village canteens. Do you want me to repeat that? Since Locog sold the food and catering rights to McDonald's, you can only eat their fries unless you're having fish, in which case you can have non-McDonald's chips.

I could into details about the London Olympic Games and Paralympic Games Act 2006 but I won't bore you, except to say, the law above gives something called the Olympic Delivery Authority (ODA) the kind of powers Darth Vader would be proud of, road closures, right of entry to private property and business to remove signage which either contravenes the ODA's rules or the law mentioned at the top of this paragraph, if a kebab shop sticks a hand written sign in their window saying 'Summer 2012', they'd most probably be prosecuted.

They even have a dress code for spectators, presumably no trainers allowed... Hold on, how will that work, brogues or wellies only? If you're wearing a t-shirt advertising any fizzy drink other than Coca Cola you may be shot on the spot, same if you're not using an official Olympic Digital Camera (Panasonic if you're at all bothered) you will be chastised by Seb Coe, possibly spanked, (he's a tory, they're all in to it.)

There will be over 12000 soldiers on duty with a further, well, we don't really know how many security staff G4S will be able to rustle up because they're only paying them by the day so for many its not worth coming off benefits. But listen, its fine because they have missile batteries on the roofs of surrounding tower blocks, not for attacking threats from the sky you understand, its for any one seen with a KFC Boneless Banquet in the Olympic village.

In summary, I feel Locog have lost their focus somewhat, its less of a sporting event than a heavily sponsored military-civil security exercise, its almost as if an arms conventions has crashed into a franchise fair

In between people being searched for illegal contraband (a Double Whopper?) occasionally we'll see some sport. I suppose I still hope it goes well, they already fucked it up enough for there to be months of entertaining blog posts and news stories to be getting on with.

I think the sport will be fine, as for the rest, I think we're all waiting for the next thing to go wrong and it shouldn't really be like that.

Now, where can you go in order to avoid the whole thing? That's easy; your local Burger King Franchise.