Friday, 6 February 2015

Warm toilet seats.

I won't go over old ground by talking about the Ashcroft poll that came out earlier this week, except to say; while the prognosis for Labour and the Lib Dems in Scotland looks bad - we shouldn't sit back. I'm not talking about activists from all those incredibly worthy organisations like Women for Independence, Business For Scotland or National Collective (to name but a very few) because they'll be doing their thing regardless - they don't need to be told.

Don't panic, everything is fine - 'Scottish' Labour have deployed Hypnosquirrel
Its us I'm talking about. We need to be out there boring the pants of friends, family and neighbours - well hopefully not boring them but certainly bringing up the subject of the General Election and who they might be awarding their vote to.

With most of the Scottish media doing its best impression of a party political broadcast for 'Scottish' Labour, we need to do our best to remind our peers, pals and co-workers just how astonishingly crap they are.

Look in to those eyes, you can't resist...

Is it safe to discount the Tories in Scotland? I'll stick my neck out and say yes - they're still marginalised in Scotland. The Lib Dem's on the other hand may elicit in those who previously voted for them a pity-vote. We've all got a soft spot for Charles Kennedy - the Liberal Democrat's answer to Party Boy - but we must stand firm against wishy washy emotive voting. If you feel yourself wavering in the polling booth, remember that Danny Alexander is a Lib Dem and uses your money to cart his wife and kids around the country - he's also simpering, Tory-enabling git.

Not around the eyes...

In Scotland, the problem has always been with trust - for years the SNP have been portrayed as chancers, usurpers and lightweights. Westminster pulls around its narrow, sloppy shoulders a thick cloak of effrontery - that a party might challenge the British State's hegemony - its treated as risible and the UK Press - grasping cheerleaders of the establishment - stands by ready to parrot the Union mantra of the day.

You are feeling sleeeeeepy...
Its not all about the SNP of course, if it makes any one feel better, they are a conduit (one that happens to be not bad - but not perfect either - in government) to something better. Imagine a Labour party that actually works for Scotland instead of enabling the London Head Office to gain votes in constituencies in the south of England? Imagine a Tory party ready to do its best for business' based in Scotland instead of the City of London? And imagine Liberal Democrats working hard for - ummm... Doing its best to - erm... Fighting hard for - something?

Could these poll results mean enough people in Scotland have finally realised the problem isn't left, right or middle; or capitalism, socialism or libertarianism - it's the union? Not to put too fine a point on it: its fucked.

Your eyelids are getting heavy...

As the latest EVEL turd shat out by the Tories via William Hague lands on the floor of various Westminster meeting rooms with a wet plap - any attempts to limit Scottish MP's voting in the house of commons is going to be fraught with problems - the Smith Commission's output was only ever going to be useful as scrap paper for primary school kids to doodle on, and even then - only if they did one-sided print runs.

Vote Labour and buy me some nuts...

Or does Scotland still suffer hopelessly and terminally from Warm Toilet Seat Syndrome? I know what you're thinking - what exactly is WTSS - well I'll tell you. You know when you're faced with the incontrovertible actuality that you need to go for a 'sit down', but you are far away from facilities offering optimum comfort and peace of mind? Which is a particularly verbose way of saying, you need to go to the toilet and the only available option is to use a public convenience - forgive my delicate Victorian sensibilities... You find a moderately clean looking cubicle suitably equipped with a door that locks, an adequate supply of toilet paper and no holes drilled in the walls in suspicious places.

You remove/decouple/unlatch (delete applicable) clothing as required and hover gently over the toilet seat - only to find on contact that it is disconcertingly warm. This is traditional Westminster voting in microcosm. As you cast an exasperated vote for the usual party - you are simultaneously repulsed and comforted. Equally; as you sit there - waiting for your bowels to evacuate - its nice that the toilet seat is warm, but the thought that it was made so by the arse of a perfect stranger whose personal habits you know nothing about, doesn't bear thinking about.

Soooo veeeery Sleeeeepy...

I'm not for a minute suggesting that if Scotland was an independent country, we'd all be able to defecate comfortably using brand new toilet seats or that if a toilet seat had been pre-warmed, some sort of notice - a Post It note for example - would be affixed to the wall describing the essence of the backside that took the chill off it.

I think what I'm trying to say is, perhaps we've reached a tipping point in Scotland. None of the London based parties are trusted any more - voters are no longer content to cast their vote based on the old two-and-a-half party system. They realise old voting habits offer little else but cold comfort because once the vote is in, their hopes and aspirations are flushed down the bog the next time their newly (re)appointed MP sits down on their pre-warmed (by an unpaid intern) luxury toilet seat (purchased with parliamentary expenses) for a dump.


For what it's worth, I'm still not sure the voting intentions as shown in Ashcroft's poll would necessarily equate to a Yes Vote if one took place tomorrow - my suspicion is, that while people are fed up with Westminster politics, enough of them still prefer a warm toilet seat - which is why ordinary folk like you and me need to re-initiate the kind of momentum that existed during the independence referendum.

Although I wouldn't use that warm toilet seat analogy - its terrible.


  1. The "hypnosquirrel" must be as dysfunctional as Westminster, all I did was laugh my head off.
    I'm opting for the cold toilet seat, and voting SNP (safe new plastic?).
    I don't think the votes on the day will be anything like the polls suggest but, I do believe the SNP will have the largest, by far, representation they have ever had.

  2. Me too.

    If there is a similar vibe for the general election as there was for indyref - it could make the difference.

    Here's hoping.

  3. Is it strange that I've never actually thought about toilet seats at all. I've never noticed if they were warm or cold.

    Is there something wrong with me?

    Have I missed out?

    But ...seriously...

    I agree, scatological references aside...

    There isn't a sensible answer to the present conundrum other than independence.

    Federalism won't work because for that each state would be obliged to have equal powers with a central federal parliament... like Germany or the USA.

    I'm not sure Wales wants that forced on them, and I'm pretty certain that it would cause endless strife in Northern Ireland.

    Smith... pfff utter waste of time. How to make things worse from Scots in two or three easy steps.

    Vow Mark II: Gordon Returns with more shite...(oooops, now I've got scatological) is just plain silly.

    And William Hague's last good idea was sinking 10 pints a day when he was only 12 as a delivery man at his daddy's brewery.

    So, it's just a matter of when.

    But you remind us timeously that we will have to work hard to achieve this success.

    The might of the British establishment is against us. The BBC is now the MBC. It gave up pretending a long time ago. (I notice even Owen Jones commented on that.) And the papers are out to do whatever it takes to save their glorious empire upon which (and no one told them) the sun set a long long time ago.

    We have probably well over 100,000 people who want to send Scottish MPs to Westminster, not puppet clones of the English parties.

    We'll need them... and people like you, and me, blogging for all we are worth... whatever that is!

  4. Thanks for commenting Tris.

    I can't add anything to your comment.

    I saw SNP campaigners out today, in the same places as the Yes campaigners stood.

    Nice to see them out early.

  5. Pa

    Great blog again, and I agree with a lot of it. I think people are starting to consider voting for what they actually want rather than what their parents did or what the Labour Party tell them they want.

    I am not so sure about how dead Labour are yet, they are certainly getting there with little help from anyone else. However, I suspect that they may well just pull off a wee damage limitation job with the help of their pals in the media and the other two tory parties. I would not be surprised if they still get 20+ seats and that is why I have been hammering home to people about Jim McGoverns record in Dundee. Why I have been saying to them that they have to vote for what they want and not what they have been told over the years. I explain to people that the union is maybe not dead but changing, esp the English who appear to have had enough based on centuries of lies that they pay all the bills. Now that is not a bad thing as it will hasten independence, or at the very least proper federalism, but Labour may just have a breath left although I do suspect that most of the yes voters will never vote for them again.

    Interesting times. Didn't mention the Liberals for obvious reasons and the Tories cause it's Monday morning and it might mean going for a wee sit doon.



  6. Hi Bruce.

    And thanks. I think there will always be a kernel of labour voters who'll never appreciate the party left them behind. I think those people are an odd mixture of dogged old labour and those pimply new labour drones we see on the telly.

    What's odd about it is, these people are polls apart (literally) - the former are proper red Labour types horrified by capitalism while the latter are new Labour in love with it.

    Everyone else has moved elsewhere.

    Still bugs me when you get some one (most recently that thumb-shaped twat Paul Nuttall from UKIP) adamant that England subsidises Scotland (the cheeky bastard) when the opposite is now obviously and demonstrably true.

    Its also too early in the week to be thinking about that as well...

    Thanks as always for reading.



Thanks for comment as always and I apologise if you have to jump through any hoops to do so. Its just that, I'm still being spammed by organisations who are certain I can't get it up or when it is up its not big enough or that I don't have anyone to get it up for.

Who knew blogging could be so bad for ones self-confidence?