That last blog entry was irreverent even by my standards, when I read it back to myself I couldn't help but think: pasta in the kettle? Really?
Anyway, on the same topic (lifestyle) hopefully this missive will make more sense, I'm finding it hard to decide where I want to live, I've done small villages, towns and cities. I've not lived in the middle of no where on the basis that it would be boring but having lived in the city (as far as Edinburgh can be called a city) I find the peace and quiet living in a field miles away from anywhere or anyone increasingly attractive.
If you live in town and earn average money you'll be domiciled in a flat (or apartment if you're American, I say that because on checking my reader stats, someone from Alaska read that last entry, I assume he or she is cooking up a storm with their kettle as I type.) Flats come with certain drawbacks, for example living above somebody who thinks their sitting room is a recording studio or below someone else who thinks they are an Olympic gymnast who has hard wood flooring. A detached house in the country, preferably a castle offers a degree of solitude and silence not available to some one living in a block of flats, in fact, it's not really the mode of living that is the problem; it's the people. Obviously you or I don't fall into this category (which we'll call the Selfish Cunt Category, I only use that most extreme expletive because I like alliteration) but most other people do. For example where I live at the moment the man who lives below me has a keyboard in his front room, I know its a keyboard because he plays it at full blast at 1am (it was Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, you know, the Dracula music?) I banged so hard on his door, his next door neighbour answered their door and told me to tear him a new one for being a selfish bastard. (Obviously I didn't do that, I politely requested that if he insisted on playing his keyboard at that time of night, something a little more soothing would be preferable, say Satie's Gymnopedies or Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.)
One of the other downsides of living in a town or city (or some villages) are pikeys. The best way to describe these people is this: when you see a clump of them arguing on a street corner, you are tempted to mow them down with your car. They have a common look involving leisure wear shoplifted from JD Sports over sallow-toned skin and an emaciated frame. They are usually no younger than 20 but no older than 45 (their only advantage being a low life expectancy.) These are the people who shout and argue outside Lidl or Farmfoods, they have a nasal plaintiff pitch to their voice, one that immediately invites a punch in the face.
More over, they are of no net use to society (unless you compare and contrast their existence with your own, an exercise which will instantly make you feel better about yourself.) If a brainy person was to invent an in utero test to detect the presence of the pikey gene, the offending fetus could be aborted before sullying society with its presence.
In terms of quality of life when living in the city, these people for me are the single most annoying factor, they lower the tone needlessly.
Another factor is gossip. I spent time in a small village and it was rife, the funniest thing I ever heard was one confirmed gossip telling me (without irony) not to speak to another person because they were a gossip. (The notion that blog posts are a form of gossip is not lost on me before you accuse me of hypocrisy.) Living in the city means gossip is not possible, there seems to be a critical mass of population after which gossip ceases to exist, I don't know what the figure would be and geography has a lot to do with it to I suppose. People can be nasty though and the malicious gossip (even if its unintentional) for me means smaller villages are not good places to live. It's to easy to get drawn into the internecine politics of the place, what starts off as harmless chat becomes an exchange of information then ends up being a full on brief behind a persons back, like a trial being carried out in camera with out the knowledge of the accused.
Cities on the other hand (pikeys not-with-standing) are just to busy for gossip so have that working for them. Having takeaways on your doorstep is no bad thing either, well, it is and it isn't. Its handy but it makes you fat and lazy. (Referring back to my last blog post, I would have starved or died in a fire were it not for them.)
So, that leaves us with the middle of no where. A farm house or croft perhaps with no neighbours for miles around, is that the answer? I can't lie, I'd be bored stiff and I'd probably go a bit mad. I have this picture of myself sometime in the future riding a horse into the nearest village for my newspaper and rolls, or maybe on a cow, you mock but it would be good for tourism and would serve as a focal point for the residents. They could gossip about me to their hearts content but since I'd be living in a yurt in the middle of no where I'd never hear about it.
I think on balance I'm going to aim for an abode in the middle of no where or a mid-sized village next, one that is to big for gossip but not to big to have pikeys. Who knows, if I find a property with some land I might get that cow so I can go for my messages, I think cows are cheaper than horses to keep and if you become dissatisfied with it in any way; you can just eat it.
Sunday, 2 October 2011
Sunday, 25 September 2011
Cooking.
You may or may not know that I am a confirmed bachelor, this is not by choice mind, its just the reality of the situation. It came to me in the gym today in between the second and third bouts of heart palpitations (why did they put the gym on the first floor, those stairs are hard work) that I have wisdom to impart in relation to living on my own, it would be churlish of me to withhold that info from the millions of people who don't read this blog.
For example, did you know you can cook pasta in the kettle? With one small modification, a bit of sellotape to keep the power button from disengaging and you can have pasta (and rice) fresh from the kettle. I wouldn't use the water for tea or coffee though; it tastes a bit off. You can use if for cuppa soups though because when you add a cuppa soup to anything it only ever tastes of cuppa soup, all other flavours are neutralised.
An important thing to know about cooking is the difference between savoury and sweet, its not complicated so don't fret. Crisps are savoury and Nutella is sweet. A handy way to judge if something is savoury is to ask yourself if its a crisp flavour, all crisp flavours are savoury, if you doubt that inviolable fact why don't you get Nutella flavoured crisps? My logic is irresistible.
But listen, I'm getting ahead of myself. It doesn't matter what you're going to cook (I say cook but I don't really mean it) when we haven't explored what we're going to cook with. The confirmed bachelor needs a toaster, a microwave and a hob. In fact, you don't really need a hob as such, why people spend hundreds of pounds on complicated cookers when you can go to an outdoor shop and buy a gas stove for twenty quid is something I have yet to work out. The added advantage of a camping stove is it can be moved about easily, you can cook on the coffee table, the bath or even in bed.
Also, a common mistake people make is to use the hob (the bit on the top of the cooker with four rings on it) and a pot when the kettle will do the job just as well. For example, you can make soup in the kettle, you might have to discard it afterwards but kettles are ten-a-penny these days. Beans can also be warmed in a kettle as can sweet corn (if you like that sort of thing) and pop tarts if you broke the toaster trying to grill some bacon.
Pop tarts in a kettle I hear you say? A complicated system of platforms must be manufactured from tin foil, admittedly it is much easier if you're drunk and its 2:30 in the morning, some might say, drunken necessity is the mother of pointless invention and I'd have to agree, the following morning anyway because it seems perfectly reasonable if not essential at the time.
But listen, I digress. You're hungry and I'm waffling, when I say waffling I don't mean in the food sense, I've never eaten a waffle in my life, why would I? Did you know you can heat soup up in a toaster? You can and I'm going to tell you how. Buy some wholemeal pitta breads, cut them open and fill carefully with cream of tomato or chicken soup, carefully place in the toaster. Obviously cooking times will vary depending on the power of your toaster. I suggest you keep an eye on it, eventually the pitta bread will lose structural integrity and the soup will begin to weep out, the trick is to catch it just before it happens. Many people like to dip bread in soup; why not just serve the soup in the bread! (I know some posh restaurants do this but I promise you, they don't heat it up in a toaster. Middle class friends will mock until you point that very important fact out.)
We've talked about toasters and kettles, lets now talk about cookers and microwaves. Ok, I'm trying hard to think of something, hold on... Oh yes! Frying stuff! Of course, nothing can't be fried, except pot noodles, you can't fry a pot noodle, well I say that, obviously you can fry a pot noodle but you'd be as well doing it while its still in its plastic pot because it won't affect the taste of the end result. Sausages and bacon can be fried as can eggs, when you're done with those you can then fry bread in the fat and it is yummy! Not very good for you mind but yummy never-the-less. Try doing a fried egg in the microwave, my dad went through a phase of doing this, it's actually quite hypnotic. You crack an egg on to a small plate with raised edges, stick it in the microwave and watch as it turns slowly into a fried egg. The egg white slowly turns white and the yolk begins to solidify, its quite miraculous really. He began to experiment with different shaped receptacles but had to stop when he used an antique tea cup with a gold rim. I dare say the egg would have been an attractive shape but gold doesn't agree with microwaves; the tea cup exploded and the microwave never worked again.
Listen, I apologise, if I post a blog that's too long, my very great many readers will tire and get bored so I'm going to stop. If you're hungry, make some toast but remember; you can put anything on toast except crisps and spreading Nutella on crisps doesn't make a savoury snack sweet. What, you didn''t expect any serious commentary on how to cook did you? You're an optimist, I'll give you that.
Also, after having done some reading, you can't fry an egg in a microwave, technically its being poached. You live and learn.
For example, did you know you can cook pasta in the kettle? With one small modification, a bit of sellotape to keep the power button from disengaging and you can have pasta (and rice) fresh from the kettle. I wouldn't use the water for tea or coffee though; it tastes a bit off. You can use if for cuppa soups though because when you add a cuppa soup to anything it only ever tastes of cuppa soup, all other flavours are neutralised.
An important thing to know about cooking is the difference between savoury and sweet, its not complicated so don't fret. Crisps are savoury and Nutella is sweet. A handy way to judge if something is savoury is to ask yourself if its a crisp flavour, all crisp flavours are savoury, if you doubt that inviolable fact why don't you get Nutella flavoured crisps? My logic is irresistible.
But listen, I'm getting ahead of myself. It doesn't matter what you're going to cook (I say cook but I don't really mean it) when we haven't explored what we're going to cook with. The confirmed bachelor needs a toaster, a microwave and a hob. In fact, you don't really need a hob as such, why people spend hundreds of pounds on complicated cookers when you can go to an outdoor shop and buy a gas stove for twenty quid is something I have yet to work out. The added advantage of a camping stove is it can be moved about easily, you can cook on the coffee table, the bath or even in bed.
Also, a common mistake people make is to use the hob (the bit on the top of the cooker with four rings on it) and a pot when the kettle will do the job just as well. For example, you can make soup in the kettle, you might have to discard it afterwards but kettles are ten-a-penny these days. Beans can also be warmed in a kettle as can sweet corn (if you like that sort of thing) and pop tarts if you broke the toaster trying to grill some bacon.
Pop tarts in a kettle I hear you say? A complicated system of platforms must be manufactured from tin foil, admittedly it is much easier if you're drunk and its 2:30 in the morning, some might say, drunken necessity is the mother of pointless invention and I'd have to agree, the following morning anyway because it seems perfectly reasonable if not essential at the time.
But listen, I digress. You're hungry and I'm waffling, when I say waffling I don't mean in the food sense, I've never eaten a waffle in my life, why would I? Did you know you can heat soup up in a toaster? You can and I'm going to tell you how. Buy some wholemeal pitta breads, cut them open and fill carefully with cream of tomato or chicken soup, carefully place in the toaster. Obviously cooking times will vary depending on the power of your toaster. I suggest you keep an eye on it, eventually the pitta bread will lose structural integrity and the soup will begin to weep out, the trick is to catch it just before it happens. Many people like to dip bread in soup; why not just serve the soup in the bread! (I know some posh restaurants do this but I promise you, they don't heat it up in a toaster. Middle class friends will mock until you point that very important fact out.)
We've talked about toasters and kettles, lets now talk about cookers and microwaves. Ok, I'm trying hard to think of something, hold on... Oh yes! Frying stuff! Of course, nothing can't be fried, except pot noodles, you can't fry a pot noodle, well I say that, obviously you can fry a pot noodle but you'd be as well doing it while its still in its plastic pot because it won't affect the taste of the end result. Sausages and bacon can be fried as can eggs, when you're done with those you can then fry bread in the fat and it is yummy! Not very good for you mind but yummy never-the-less. Try doing a fried egg in the microwave, my dad went through a phase of doing this, it's actually quite hypnotic. You crack an egg on to a small plate with raised edges, stick it in the microwave and watch as it turns slowly into a fried egg. The egg white slowly turns white and the yolk begins to solidify, its quite miraculous really. He began to experiment with different shaped receptacles but had to stop when he used an antique tea cup with a gold rim. I dare say the egg would have been an attractive shape but gold doesn't agree with microwaves; the tea cup exploded and the microwave never worked again.
Listen, I apologise, if I post a blog that's too long, my very great many readers will tire and get bored so I'm going to stop. If you're hungry, make some toast but remember; you can put anything on toast except crisps and spreading Nutella on crisps doesn't make a savoury snack sweet. What, you didn''t expect any serious commentary on how to cook did you? You're an optimist, I'll give you that.
Also, after having done some reading, you can't fry an egg in a microwave, technically its being poached. You live and learn.
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
But Seriously
Kindly cross-posted to subrosa's blog.
No, its not a Phil Collins album, I thought I might post something serious for a change, normally I'd say it doesn't suit me and that it involves to much in the way of work. You have to do stuff like 'research' and back up any claims you make with something called 'evidence'. It's much easier for me to transfer the contents of my head directly on to the screen, no need for any citations or providing sources because it all comes from the fevered imagination of a person who's blog no one reads; most importantly, no one is harmed.
But listen, while I am no brilliant academic, no wait, don't argue, I've accepted it. Nor am I a total shmuck, I've been around and I read a lot, it was suggested to me by another blogger that I might say a few words about Debt Collection Agencies and their methods along with things that could help you if you're being hounded by a DCA.
A very quick few words about my experience firstly; I joined a gym (I'll try not to be specific, it was a tennis orientated set-up, going by the name of David Lloyd.) I signed the standard twelve month minimum contract but four months in discovered three serious flaws; the service was terrible, the staff were entirely unhelpful and I simply wasn't middle class enough to be there. I told them I wasn't happy with the service (although I jest, the service was rotten and not worth £80 a month in anycase,) they adopted a 'tough-you-signed-a-minimum-twelve-month-contract-that-you-can't-get-out-of-so-meh' stance, they were not interested in the slightest even although the reason I was unhappy was their fault.
I cancelled my direct debit and did not return to the club.
Here comes the serious bit.
They chased me at first themselves then after three months of correspondence (me telling them they'd broken their own contract by not providing a service they said they would) they passed the debt on to their pet DCA, we'll call them ARC because that was and still is their name. I explained to them the issue was still in dispute (meaning I was still jawing with David) but to no avail. Daily phone calls, letters on a weekly basis with threats of all sort of things ramping up as time went by. Eventually letters start coming from a solicitor called Trevor Munn, threatening action in Northampton (or was it Southampton) County Court. Needless to say, Trevor Munn is another arm of ARC and the next step in their intimidation program.
I'll stop the narrative here, you can google some of those companies and find all sorts of stories on consumer action websites and forums but here is the thing, never have I ever seen a post saying; 'That swine Trever Munn took me to county court!' Why? Because he (or they) never will.
The following information is true for any civil debt not including Council Tax or monies owed relating to property; it will stop DCA's and any action they're threatening to take (albeit it up to a certain value) in its tracks.
It is called more generally 'Prorogation of Jurisdiction' and is covered in paragraph 3(4) of schedule 8 of the Civil Jurisdiction & Judgments Act 1982.
Sounds technical but it isn't really, please don't be intimidated by it. What it means is this:
Specifically what it doesn't cover and the topic that caused me to be serious for a moment is Council Tax. It wouldn't be covered since it's attached to property anyway but CT is a different kind of debt and a blog post all by itself; you don't have a leg to stand on. The statute of limitation for civil debt in Scotland is five years (in England it is six) meaning, if they don't chase you in that time you're probably ok. For Council Tax debt, the statute of limitation as far as I can gather is twenty years from the date of the summary warrant being generated, these warrants are issued automatically at the request of Council and they won't get lost on the way to the sheriff court either. (If any of that is incorrect please let me know, it was hard to find even that info.)
In summary, if you run up credit on a catalogue card or HP agreement, they have to sue you where you live. Obviously if it's thousands they'll go after you but even then if they're doing it in Plymouth you can write to the court asking for it to be 'dismissed with expenses in favour of the defendant'. The nub is; if its a couple of hundred quid, they won't because its not economically viable to do so. My supposed debt was around £550 and they left me alone, even Citizen's Advice (who didn't know about Prorogation of Jurisdiction) said they probably wouldn't chase me for that amount.
A lot of people go to great lengths to break out of contracts were the plaintiff (the company doing the chasing) simply has no intention of following through with legal action; it's all bluff. I think we can all agree Debt Collection Agencies are odious set ups many using as they do: very questionable techniques when it comes to dealing with what they like to call its clients.
Final point to make. If you have this kind of low level debt (maybe under £1000) and you are being chased by DCA's and their pet (in many cases, I think fake) solicitors; always have a good look at the wording of the letters they send; for example:
Leaving to one side it'll be the wrong court, the court isn't preparing documents, Trevor is and he's a cad and a bounder and has no power whatsoever to do anything; only the correct court has that power and only after a fair hearing. Since Trev is lazy and a tight-arse to boot, he's not going to go to another court for a tawdry few hundred quid.
My point is, if you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in this situation, this law empowers you, it may not void the contract, although people with bigger minds might be able to say if adding a clause to a consumer contract saying 'any legal disputes' would be handled by a court that has no jurisdiction over the consumer does in fact void it?
Beyond that, it allows you to have some fun with debt collection staff, I used to think they were just doing their job, it wasn't their fault etc but now? Not so much so, the people at ARC were rude and intimidating and that is wrong. However when they phone you (and they will again and again) the negative attention can be remedied by saying things like, 'So glad you phoned back, isn't it annoying when our phone sex is disturbed, I was fast reaching a cli-'. Usually they hang up...
Usually...
Digressing slightly and because I don't want anyone to think I'm encouraging bad debt, my fight was just, they wanted me to pay for a substandard service I wasn't using, if I'd been using the gym during the remainder of the contract (and my waist line will prove I wasn't) then I would have paid because that is fair. However, if you're a screaming store/credit card nutter with a shoe addiction; shame on you! You deserve all you get.
Although can I just say, those Ferragamos you're wearing are to die for!
No, its not a Phil Collins album, I thought I might post something serious for a change, normally I'd say it doesn't suit me and that it involves to much in the way of work. You have to do stuff like 'research' and back up any claims you make with something called 'evidence'. It's much easier for me to transfer the contents of my head directly on to the screen, no need for any citations or providing sources because it all comes from the fevered imagination of a person who's blog no one reads; most importantly, no one is harmed.
But listen, while I am no brilliant academic, no wait, don't argue, I've accepted it. Nor am I a total shmuck, I've been around and I read a lot, it was suggested to me by another blogger that I might say a few words about Debt Collection Agencies and their methods along with things that could help you if you're being hounded by a DCA.
A very quick few words about my experience firstly; I joined a gym (I'll try not to be specific, it was a tennis orientated set-up, going by the name of David Lloyd.) I signed the standard twelve month minimum contract but four months in discovered three serious flaws; the service was terrible, the staff were entirely unhelpful and I simply wasn't middle class enough to be there. I told them I wasn't happy with the service (although I jest, the service was rotten and not worth £80 a month in anycase,) they adopted a 'tough-you-signed-a-minimum-twelve-month-contract-that-you-can't-get-out-of-so-meh' stance, they were not interested in the slightest even although the reason I was unhappy was their fault.
I cancelled my direct debit and did not return to the club.
Here comes the serious bit.
They chased me at first themselves then after three months of correspondence (me telling them they'd broken their own contract by not providing a service they said they would) they passed the debt on to their pet DCA, we'll call them ARC because that was and still is their name. I explained to them the issue was still in dispute (meaning I was still jawing with David) but to no avail. Daily phone calls, letters on a weekly basis with threats of all sort of things ramping up as time went by. Eventually letters start coming from a solicitor called Trevor Munn, threatening action in Northampton (or was it Southampton) County Court. Needless to say, Trevor Munn is another arm of ARC and the next step in their intimidation program.
I'll stop the narrative here, you can google some of those companies and find all sorts of stories on consumer action websites and forums but here is the thing, never have I ever seen a post saying; 'That swine Trever Munn took me to county court!' Why? Because he (or they) never will.
The following information is true for any civil debt not including Council Tax or monies owed relating to property; it will stop DCA's and any action they're threatening to take (albeit it up to a certain value) in its tracks.
It is called more generally 'Prorogation of Jurisdiction' and is covered in paragraph 3(4) of schedule 8 of the Civil Jurisdiction & Judgments Act 1982.
Sounds technical but it isn't really, please don't be intimidated by it. What it means is this:
- You can't be taken to court in a jurisdiction (ie. Northampton) except for the one in which you are personally domiciled. (Any threat by a DCA to do so is intimidation.) If you live in Edinburgh, they need to take action in Edinburgh.
- Even if the contract you signed says you agree to be dealt with by English law (for example) this is null and void, no way does a clause in a consumer contract circumvent UK civil law, much as big business would like it to be the case.
Specifically what it doesn't cover and the topic that caused me to be serious for a moment is Council Tax. It wouldn't be covered since it's attached to property anyway but CT is a different kind of debt and a blog post all by itself; you don't have a leg to stand on. The statute of limitation for civil debt in Scotland is five years (in England it is six) meaning, if they don't chase you in that time you're probably ok. For Council Tax debt, the statute of limitation as far as I can gather is twenty years from the date of the summary warrant being generated, these warrants are issued automatically at the request of Council and they won't get lost on the way to the sheriff court either. (If any of that is incorrect please let me know, it was hard to find even that info.)
In summary, if you run up credit on a catalogue card or HP agreement, they have to sue you where you live. Obviously if it's thousands they'll go after you but even then if they're doing it in Plymouth you can write to the court asking for it to be 'dismissed with expenses in favour of the defendant'. The nub is; if its a couple of hundred quid, they won't because its not economically viable to do so. My supposed debt was around £550 and they left me alone, even Citizen's Advice (who didn't know about Prorogation of Jurisdiction) said they probably wouldn't chase me for that amount.
A lot of people go to great lengths to break out of contracts were the plaintiff (the company doing the chasing) simply has no intention of following through with legal action; it's all bluff. I think we can all agree Debt Collection Agencies are odious set ups many using as they do: very questionable techniques when it comes to dealing with what they like to call its clients.
Final point to make. If you have this kind of low level debt (maybe under £1000) and you are being chased by DCA's and their pet (in many cases, I think fake) solicitors; always have a good look at the wording of the letters they send; for example:
- '...documentation is being prepared for submission to county court...'
Leaving to one side it'll be the wrong court, the court isn't preparing documents, Trevor is and he's a cad and a bounder and has no power whatsoever to do anything; only the correct court has that power and only after a fair hearing. Since Trev is lazy and a tight-arse to boot, he's not going to go to another court for a tawdry few hundred quid.
My point is, if you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in this situation, this law empowers you, it may not void the contract, although people with bigger minds might be able to say if adding a clause to a consumer contract saying 'any legal disputes' would be handled by a court that has no jurisdiction over the consumer does in fact void it?
Beyond that, it allows you to have some fun with debt collection staff, I used to think they were just doing their job, it wasn't their fault etc but now? Not so much so, the people at ARC were rude and intimidating and that is wrong. However when they phone you (and they will again and again) the negative attention can be remedied by saying things like, 'So glad you phoned back, isn't it annoying when our phone sex is disturbed, I was fast reaching a cli-'. Usually they hang up...
Usually...
Digressing slightly and because I don't want anyone to think I'm encouraging bad debt, my fight was just, they wanted me to pay for a substandard service I wasn't using, if I'd been using the gym during the remainder of the contract (and my waist line will prove I wasn't) then I would have paid because that is fair. However, if you're a screaming store/credit card nutter with a shoe addiction; shame on you! You deserve all you get.
Although can I just say, those Ferragamos you're wearing are to die for!
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