Friday, 5 July 2013

Because the last post was so heavy going...

Below is an email I sent to Facilities where I work some time ago.

I was - as ever - quite bored.

Who is it we complain to about the contents of the vending machines, in this instance, namely the ones containing confectionery. This week I have had a KitKat, a Crunchy and a 'Go Ahead' Yogurt Break Bar (Strawberry) all of which seem to have been stamped on before making it into the vending machine.
I'd be grateful if someone could inform the vending machine people that we in XXX (mostly) have teeth which we use to break up food before swallowing, it isn't necessary for them to break sweeties and snacks up in advance of our purchasing them. Also, arguably, if any one in the office did suffer from a dental deficiency; they could themselves or ask a colleague to jump up and down on the snack item before ingurgitation.
They might argue that the damage to vended confection is caused by the plunge it makes from shelf to vending area, this however is invalid since the machine closest to the lifts on the first floor (from which I obtain most of my daily sustenance,) the 'Go Ahead' Yogurt Bars (Strawberry) are already on the lowest-most shelf so only fall a meagre 20 or 30 centimeters hardly enough of an impact to render the product so disassembled it would be more efficient to snort than masticate it.
I'm sure you yourself have had such an item from a vending machine and would agree; the titillation by the array of treats behind the glass, then the gentle frisson of anticipation as you make your selection, only to have dumped unceremoniously in to the vending tray a Crunchy, Kit Kat or Go Ahead Yogurt Bar (Strawberry) that has been driven over by a van at some point; is a heart-felt disappointment after such intense avidity.
In this atmosphere of economic doubt and job insecurity it is the small things that sustain us including the odd harmless treat from a vending machine. Is it to much to expect these small treats to be structurally intact at the point of purchase?
I'd be grateful if you could pass this hope and dream along to whom ever it is that communicates with the people who fill the vending machines in the building.

Many thanks
0131 2xx xxxx

PS: I'll hold the Go Ahead Yogurt Bar (Strawberry) until the end of today for evidential purposes should you require it, after this time, I cannot guarantee I won't snort it or rub it on my gums.

Obviously I've removed any identifying information for fear of being the victim of a stalker, because as you all well know - I am regarded in some circles as something of a catch.*

* At least I was until they introduced care in the community.


  1. Hmmmmm...

    Do they actually pay you?

  2. undamaged sweetmeats?
    you'll be wanting it served by a butler no doubt?

  3. Only if its not a bother John.



Thanks for comment as always and I apologise if you have to jump through any hoops to do so. Its just that, I'm still being spammed by organisations who are certain I can't get it up or when it is up its not big enough or that I don't have anyone to get it up for.

Who knew blogging could be so bad for ones self-confidence?